I think organizing events and such is a great way to encourage people to come back - but more so, I think we need to prioritize making an easy to navigate website with a
radical leveled field of acceptance for all size kinksters. Hand-Holder, I'd argue that this community is NOT one that encourages me to indulge in my SW fantasy. I'm going on my 16th year now in this community, and to this day I still get judgmental comments about my artwork. I really think it is unacceptable, and we should expect more of our community.
Events are great and all, but if the party is lame, no one is going to attend.
HentaiHunter points out here how he doesn't know how to use the tag system - which I can't hold it against him.
To make a website accessible, we need to think about the user. We need to make it easy to understand for forum veterans and newbies alike. Not everyone is familiar with forums, tagging, etc. Now if someone who's used this forum many times is still struggling to use basic features, or maybe not noticing them because tagging is not mandatory, then what are we to expect from groups who may not have as much technical skill? Older users, and Women are key demo's who might not be as keen about navigating new tech. Women especially are more likely to be busy mom's in this community and might not be able to keep up or be discouraged by the disorganization, unproductive conversations and borderline kink-shaming. It's not very welcoming! Mom's also can't always just drop what they're doing to make an event. We need to make this site easy for casual users.
Accessibility here is key!!
Olo wrote: ↑Sat Jan 23, 2021 2:49 pm
This thread is an excellent example of why we need these spaces. I really hope more women contribute their thoughts and experiences.
Thank you, Jit, for all that you have done and continue to do to provoke and encourage these discussions. Who knew a tiny woman could be so
loud?
Thank you
I have my ways!
i am insane wrote: ↑Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:24 pm
God, from the male end, you have no idea how much that resonates with me. Like. I'm never going to explain this to anyone in my life, ever, for all sorts of reasons .
i am insane wrote: ↑Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:24 pm
and
somehow I don't think that would go over well (Well, my friends would be fine and understanding, I think but hell, my family..... yeesh).
Well, first off, sorry you feel that way! This is a pretty common feeling throughout the community, regardless of gender or size preference. And never say never, I can't tell you how many times I've heard that from my fellow size kinksters.
Your fantasies, especially when you 'boil it down' is one of the most common male fantasies out there. You are not an abuser, rapist, etc. You know why? Because you obviously have the mental wit and self control of a normal adult who knows what's wrong and what's right. So the first step is to remove the crown you've given yourself of being this 'bad guy', because you all know what a 'bad guy' is, and you're not actually doing 'bad guy' stuff. Lots of people have 'bad' thoughts, and guess what? You're never going to know them, because just like you, they don't want you to think poorly of them either. I think like many in this community, we project others thoughts and feelings about ourselves, to defend ourselves from being vulnerable and sharing something we think will be harshly judged.
I'm a personal believer on reading the room when it comes to telling people. When I 'came out of the cupboard' I only told my husband before we got married, and eventually extended my secret circle to my sister, closest cousin and best friend - mostly because I was attending BDSM events and meetups and wanted them to know where I was just in case. Only my husband knew the full extent of my kink, I didn't go into the greatest details with the others. But when it comes to my parents, I doubt I will ever tell them. Telling them I was pansexual was an intense rollercoaster, and I couldn't imagine letting them know more. It's just easier for our relationship. Honestly, the only person who
should know is your partner(s)! That's the ONE relationship you shouldn't be thinking c'est la vie!
i am insane wrote: ↑Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:24 pm
explaining this, and why I
like this, boils down to 'I love systematically removing a woman's ability to interact with the world, have any real rights or freedoms beyond what I give her, and/or resist me in any real way shape or form... but I totally want to be nice about it!'
i am insane wrote: ↑Sat Jan 23, 2021 4:24 pm
I'm going to be honest, if someone had told me about this and I had no idea/interest in it? It would sound creep as fuck. Honestly, I
still think it's pretty creepy on my end. Like... I want to. I
really want to. But I also feel bad for it, so.... yeah.
And, I know that, even on the woman end, that is the
point, half the time, and they (you, I guess, since I'm replying to one) want it, and I've been paying attention to all these things that basically
say that, but it doesn't really fix that inbuilt 'don't be a rapist asshole shithead' kneejerk instinct.
And that's why I try and teach people to use BDSM as a foundation for communication! Yes, I'm sure if you just straight up told a woman you barely know your 'boiled down' fantasy, she might be suspicious, or even fearful. Some people are just not knowledgeable about kink, but without some actual time to know you as a person, as a partner, they're not going to be able to tell if you really are a 'bad guy' or not. That doesn't mean that they can't enjoy kink, but presentation, patience and reading the room is monumentally important! Finding a kinky partner though can help minimize that anxiety you have!
My husband had mentioned that my comfortability with powerplay helped him explore his fantasies too. He didn't really have any hangups because we started having sex around 18 years old (we met young!), and I came out to him pretty early. I remember the first fantasy he was comfortable telling me was a fantasy he had that is similar to your 'boiled down' fantasies - one where he was President (impossible since he wasn't born here
) and he'd make a decree that all the women had to be naked, and he'd have a harem of lady assistants who had to be on all fours in the oval office, free for him to touch and use as he pleases
I was thinking, "I can work with this"
I asked him just now what advice he may have about overcoming these feelings, and he similarly echoed what I said: Finding a kink interested or kink-validating partner might not sound like the easiest endeavor, but you will quickly see how much those pangs of guilt disappear. If you're not happy in your relationship, don't stick around, move on. There are plenty of women out there who would not only accept you as you are, but celebrate these parts of you that you feel guilty about. Being in a relationship where you're closed about your sexuality might be safe, but it's unfair to you, and it's unfair to her.